Abuse includes behaviour ranging from threats to physical or sexual assault. It may also include harmful emotional, verbal, and financial actions. The abuser uses threats and violence to get power and control over their partner. Often, the abuser blames the abuse on the victim. But abuse is the abuser’s fault.

Here are some examples of relationship abuse.

Emotional or verbal abuse includes when your partner:

• embarrasses you, yells at you, insults you, or calls you insulting names;
• constantly criticizes and blames you for everything;
• doesn’t let you contact friends and family; 
• threatens to have you deported; or
• accuses you of having or wanting to have sex with someone else.

Psychological abuse includes when your partner:

• decides or limits what you can do, where you go, or who you see;
• opens and reads your mail, text messages, email, or other private mail;
• follows or watches you wherever you are;
• posts sexual photos or videos of you without your permission;
• phones, texts, or emails you a lot, especially when you’ve asked not to be contacted; 
• checks your phone or internet activity; or
• threatens to hurt you, your children, friends, or a pet.

Financial abuse includes when your partner:

• makes all the household money decisions and doesn’t let you have any money;
• doesn’t let you use bank accounts or credit cards;
• won’t let you get a job or makes you lose your job; or
• runs up debts in your name. 

Sexual abuse includes when your partner:

• forces you to perform sex acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you; or
• injures sexual parts of your body without your agreement.

Physical abuse includes when your partner:

• stops you from leaving your home;
• breaks your things, damages property, or threatens to damage something that you value; or
• shoves, slaps, bites, chokes, punches, or kicks you, or threatens or hurts you with a weapon or any object.

It’s also abuse if your partner threatens to kidnap your children, or threatens to use the courts to take your children away from you.

Abuse can continue after you leave your partner. For example, your abuser may threaten to take you to court to pressure you to do what they want. Or they may keep taking or trying to take you to court, or not pay child support that the court ordered.

Studies show that men who are at more risk of experiencing abuse include men who are younger, Indigenous, in common-law relationships, or with partners who have high levels of conflict and stress in other areas of life. Help is available for all men.

Physical assault is when your partner hits or hurts you. It’s also when your partner threatens to hit or hurt you, and you believe that can and will happen.

Sexual assault is when anything sexual happens to you that you don’t agree to. This includes unwanted kissing, sexual touching, and forced intercourse.

Criminal harassment (sometimes called stalking) includes when your partner forces unwanted and constant attention on you. It’s a pattern of threats and actions that makes you afraid for yourself and your children. The law says that your partner can’t phone or email you again and again, follow you, threaten you, or threaten to destroy your property.

Men stay with abusive partners for many reasons. One reason may be society’s attitudes about how men and women should act. Our society expects men to be strong and protect women, not be abused by them.

Repeated psychological and emotional abuse over time lowers confidence and self-esteem. You may begin to believe that you haven’t fulfilled society’s idea of a man’s role and that you deserve the abuse. Such beliefs make it difficult for a man to leave an abusive relationship.

Other reasons why you stay may include:

• You want the relationship to continue because you love your partner and sometimes your partner acts loving and kind.
• You feel financially dependent on your partner, especially if you have a disability.
• You’re afraid for your children’s safety.
• You want to spend time with and care for your children.
• You think no one will believe the abuse happened.
• You’re in denial that you’re in an abusive relationship. (You believe, ​“it’s not that bad” or ​“I’m a man. I can deal with it.”)
• You have no social supports and feel alone. You don’t know about your legal rights or support services that can help you.
• You feel pressured by family or community, or by religious, cultural, or societal beliefs.

Because you’re in an abusive relationship, you might feel embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, frustrated, guilty, trapped, or afraid and may not want to tell anyone or ask for help.

Start by telling someone you trust and who you think will believe you about the abuse. Make a safety plan that sets out steps you can take to protect yourself when abuse happens. See Safety Planning.

VictimLinkBC gives confidential support in many languages to people experiencing abuse. They offer referral services and information about support resources. Call or text 1-800-563-0808 (24 hours a day), or email.

Some organizations give support services, counselling, and information specifically for men:

BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse provides therapeutic services for male-identifying persons who have been sexually abused at some time in their lives. 
604-682-6482 (Greater Vancouver)
1-888-682-6482 (elsewhere in BC)

BC Men’s Resource Centre is a privately funded organization promoting the equality of men, women, and children through education and the development of positive outcomes in times of family crisis. 
604-878-9033 (Greater Vancouver)

The Men’s Centre offers specialized counselling, coaching, and advocacy services. 
250-716-1551 (Nanaimo)
877-716-1551 (elsewhere in BC)

Men’s Therapy Centre provides supports to men who have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual trauma in childhood or as an adult. 
250-381-6367 (Victoria)
1-866-793-6367 (elsewhere in BC)

To find more supports, referrals, legal advice, and information, see Who Can Help?